6.

"Because."

Because thinking of Rob still makes me cry.
Because people don't understand the process of grief.
Because I left everything for you; and you left me.
Because Loyalty is more important to me then being well liked.
Because I have such little trust.
Because I'm 19 and I feel 45.
Because I let you play me.
Because the truth is he hates you.
Because the truth is that she hated you.
Because the truth is no one can stand it.
Because the truth is that I'm so jealous of you; of everything you have, because of everything that fell into your lap so easily. How no one dares to tell you to shut the fuck up, to your face.
Because no matter how much I say I don't care, it hurts that you'll always belong more than me.

"Because."

Because "because" is really unfair to me. It slides me into it's arms and holds on tight. It squeezes me, leaving me light headed and delirious. I'm trying to leave my "because" in the wind. To allow the friends that I've lost and left slide off me like a sleeved silk blouse. But there are times when I stop, when I look back, when I miss you.

I set my eyes towards Art. To London and Wales and Ireland and the cliff of a Thousand Men. To Paris.

I struggle, trying to decide if it's worth keeping a tight hold on to a few friends, whom will no longer live around me, or to try and maintain the full 125 relationships the human brain is capable of.

_________________________________________________________________________________

In other news,


I can write again. It's been so long, a year at least since I've been able to write on command.    It feels like I can breathe again. Deep, dizzying breaths.


Dans mes rêves, j'ai encore te regarder mourir.

5.

An important thing happened today.

Sitting on my couch, with my dog Tazz, listening to The Rachel Maddow Show, and thinking about study abroad, jobs, and my need for money, a thought came to me. While this thought had popped up in my mind before, I decided that it was worth a shot. A single question drifted across my mind: What if attending school in London, at King's College, would be cheaper than studying abroad through a program?

It's not a hard question to begin to research. Looking at what I think the study abroad program will cost ($45-50, 000) to what King's College London says that their overseas students will pay (tuition alone) is £12, 500 or $19,496.856. While I realize that this is tuition alone, I am able to get FA from this school! Something I can't get from any public universities in the US. Yes, I could got to a private school, but with my sister starting at a private school as well, and the idea that I could pay the same amount I would at a private school in the USA, BUT BE IN ENGLAND really pushes me to try this pathway.

Instead of going through a study abroad program, I am going to apply to King's College. I am going to finish my two year A.A. degree, and transfer. I'm going to put this whole photography program on hold, for a moment, and focus on getting a real degree. Then, from there, going to Art School, and graduate school.

I consider this a smart move; it gives me more time to improve myself as a student after the disasters that were last semester, and collect money for school. It allows me to be around for my sister's 18th birthday, senior prom, and graduation. It allows me to be here and take care of my family for one more year; to take care of my sister for just a little longer, before letting them all go at the same time, with my family in a sturdy, safe, place.

I do think that I might try to go to London over spring break, depending on if I get into King's College, which, honestly, I'm hoping I will. I'm praying I will.

I have cleaned my life out so much recently. I've been coming to terms with who I am, what I've done, and what's happened to me, and I really, really hope that I can use all of this work, all of this knowledge to go to London, and start the life I've dreamed of having since I was young. I never wanted to go to school in the USA. I settled for the USA because it became clear there was no way I could go to London, and go to school. I let my life defeat me. I won't let it do it again.

There is a lot of things that I've given up on, that I don't understand why I have. For example, my greatest dream when I was 15 was to be published by 16 or 18. I'm here, at 19 with two or three books written, and ideas for novels coming to me daily. But with no ability to write, to structure all of the sentences that buzz within my worn finger tips. I'm really going to try and get published; obviously, it will help me with money for school, but it will also set me up for the fulfillment of future dreams.

Dreams. The Future. Plans. These are all goals that I wish to work towards. Shedding this old, diseased girl to emerge a healthy woman. I will spend my time become more me, and letting others become more themselves. My plan for the summer is to train myself in "Loving Rachel" regimes.

I've said my peace to many, the results were expected. Without the added stress of feeling completely disrespected and under appreciated, I'm super happy. Honestly, I don't know if it was finally expressing those feelings that made me feel better, or my brother saying "That's so fucking retarded/stupid." He means so much to me. Sometimes I forget how much.

This understanding of who means a lot to me keeps coming in waves; Daniel, Jaimie, Kory, Morgane, and Savvy. Sometimes I'll just see a picture, or listen to them talk and it hits me: I would not be able to move forward without these people. It's insane, and intense. Obviously, there are people that I miss, but the ball is not in my court anymore, and for once, I'm not going to go out of my way to make it in my court.

All and all I've been making a lot of decisions lately. Whether they are the "correct" ones will remain unseen, but I'm happy with them. And that, in the end, is what should matter.

Mon couer adore la belle Sasha. Un ans et je regarde mon couer parce que je t'aime. Un ans et je t'aime toujours. Mais seulement peut-être.

4.

Many days have passed since my last post. In regards to England, no news on the dates, and the price. However, I'm projecting that it will cost behind 25-45,000 dollars. I don't think that's too bad.

Artistically, I've been taking pictures, without any real focus. They've been snap shots really, of what I've been looking at, or what I perceive could be seen. For some, that's what art and the creation thereof is. For me, this is not how I usually have created my photos. Even when I catch life inside frames, it felt focused. None of this is focused.

I think it's because I've lost my focus. I've slipping through the waters, my scales sliding against everything. I have take the idea of letting go too far. I'm hope to re-center myself, and find my vision again.

One can only hope.

The following are examples of some of the artwork I've been doing lately.

3.

It's been awhile.

It was Seattle's Pride Sunday. I've never been to Pride and once again my plans to attend were foiled by an accelerator that broke. While I was driving. On the Freeway.

It was an insightful experience.

To continue, it was Kyle's graduation party. He was not so enthused. He doesn't like being the center of attention. Once I got there we sort of went to a corner. His grandmother was there though; Since I'm trying to present myself as a lovely young woman whom is best friend's with his son, I took out my nose ring, and put in a stud. I would not, however, hide any of my tattoos. All this effort was sort of...disqualified by the make-up I ended up having to wear to the party. My Pride make-up. I didn't have a chance to take it off before I showed up. I think she ended up thinking I was somewhat odd, but nice. I'll take that.

Monday, my sister and I hung out because she left of Costa Rica Tuesday. We ended up adopting a cat named Karma. She's a right dear, but very scared.

Kyle and I went for a long run around a near by track Monday night. Very enjoyable. I think I needed to have a friend tag along in order to really start this exercise thing. However, I didn't realize that my blister from the last time I ran (February) was so deep that it could easily resurface. Which it has. :/ Anyways, I've started running again. I've somewhat missed the muscle ache.

Today, is yet another Tie Dye Party; this time however, there will be more people. I'm excited to see how everything turns out. Many different artists, trying to create a unique piece of clothing is exciting!

I've tried working on FFRF essay. I've thought about it a lot, but I can't seem to get a good paper out of it. Which is a problem since the due date is tomorrow. I sort of feel like letting it slide and then hitting all of the next scholarships. I'm going to be doing scholarships for months, anyways. I might as well give myself a wee-bit of a vacation before I dive into things.

Friends are such interesting creatures.

On another note, I've been thinking about London a lot recently. I'm pretty excited about trying to get into this program. In fact, I'm pretty excited that I could really accomplish one of my dreams. I've wanted to go to London for so long, and I can't seem to put into words how much it would mean to me if I could actually go. Now that I'm going to consistently get fucked over by FAFSA for school, it's really motivated me to do so much better than I already am in order to get merit scholarships. Even if this makes me feel like the next years of my life are going to be stressful because of this fact.

I woke up at six this morning. I'm able to accomplish so much getting up this early. I think I'll continue it. I want to start working out twice a day, in the morning and at night, but this blister is pretty big, and I don't want to over work it. I'll just stick to running for an hour and a half at night.

I must away in order to continue setting up this Tie Dye Party.

Je parlè 'voyage, yeux des sirene.' Je ne l'ai vu pas de nouveau.

2.

Yesterday was an experience. Going out to Lunch with my sister was nice. It was nice to detox with her about everything. We ate some delicious food.

After that I hung out with my dogs for awhile, and worked on some scholarship stuff. I have the perfect plan for winning five grand for the Bridgestone Teen driver safety video. I discussed it with Brendan, and he agreed.

Me

I feel like it would be a bunch of kids going down a residential road. And then there are unicorns EVERYWHERE and someone says "HIGH SCORE HIGH SCORE" and they just start mowing down these unicorns, right? Because they're terrible people because they're drunk and driving.

19:49

Brendan

hahahahahahahahahaha

19:49

Me

So then the unicorns turn into zombie unicorns. And the zombie unicorns rise up against them and murder them.

And then the add ends with "Don't drink and drive."

The end.

Kyle pointed out later that it was more being on acid, then drunk. I agree. I had used "Don't drink and drive" because it would have been extra ridiculous, but I feel like the don't do acid and drive will have the same effect. If I only had enough time to actually do this. (It's due on the First of July.)

Me hanging out with my dog Tazz. He is so cute.

With my FFRF youth college essay, I'm finding it hard to start somewhere. I plan on working hard on that tonight. For some reason, I find that I want to watch Harry Potter for some inspiration. Also because my friend Carolynn texted me a sound byte of the "Hedwig's theme."

Kyle and I went to the U-district last night. We had first gone to the beach, and then I wanted to get some good mexican food because of the encounter I had with Sasha. (Of sorts.) Anyways, we went to Memo's and then he showed me the park he basically grew up in. It was so cool. The swings were absolutely amazing. I kicked myself for not bringing my tripod; we swore to come back and do night photography. Furthermore, it kind of gave me inspiration for a photoshoot. We'll see if I can make it work like I want.

Edmonds Ferry. I love doing night photography here. I've never done it in color, or with a digital camera though.

Looking back at my pictures, they're too edited (in iPhoto) and shaky. I wish I had photoshop. I don't like putting things online without my watermark, but c'est la vie.

After our Laurelhurt park-ing, Kyle and I came back home and washed out our tie dye shirts. Kyle's turned out amazing, with rich, vibrant, colors of the rainbow. Mine, because I was using old dye, turned out to be darker tones. Lots of green, blue and purple. This was a happy accident. However, after my shirts washed and dried, they faded a little. Although it was unexpected, I kind of like the faded look that it has.

In addition to washing out our tie dye shirts, Kyle and I also watched a lot of tie dying videos, and learned some amazing techniques. This summer will definitely be full of beautiful rainbows. :]

I had some horrible nightmares last night. It was reliving the night my mom attacked me and I had to kick and punch her. It was horrible. I have never been scared like that, and I woke up petrified. Kyle tells me that it's just dreams, and that it's not going to affect my conscious life, but it's one of those things that just doesn't work like that. At least for me. I was reliving a terrible moment in a variety of different ways. It fucks someone up. Sometimes I feel like because he perceives me as being so strong he says things he wouldn't necessarily say to other people. This can be a good or a bag thing. Today I think it's just a thing.

The day is slowly getting away from me. Time to work.

Je t'aime London; J'espère vous voir bientôt.

1.

Today I really started to have my room come together. It's somewhat refreshing to move back into my room from childhood, but have such a different perspective on it. I can look at the closet and not think of it as a place to hide. It's nice to be in my room and not think of it as a prison cell.

"Can we pretend that airplanes, in the night sky, are like shooting stars?"-Airplanes, by B.o.B. FT: Hayley Williams

Sound Track of the evening.

I started this blog so that people could trace my artistic journey to Europe (and beyond.) When I told my best friend Kyle (pictured above) he said something along the lines of me "being the type."

Kyle is pretty much the best. A lot of people would never think we could be Good Friends, let alone Best Friends, but it's easy when it's over a girl. Especially a girl like Sasha. A lot of the time I don't know where I would be if I couldn't talk to him about her. It's nice, to be able to connect over that. It's somewhat fascinating, the weird little triangle we have become.

I took some pictures of my ceiling, and how the tie dye on the ceiling, and the adjacent wall comes together. Creatively, I think that this keeps my artistic being relevant in my dreams, and as my day begins refreshes me. My artistic soul and vision are so tired, and so traumatized, and I think it helps. Picking up a camera to a degree still hurts, and I can't seem to do what I want with that. But I'm going to work through that. I think I need to focus on my writing for awhile to achieve that. I won't let my former relationship with Sasha take my ability to write, which is what I've let it done (but no more.)

Tomorrow I'm going out to Lunch with my sister at my favorite Thai restaurant, Jup Jup Jup. She's leaving for Costa Rica on Tuesday. This is the first time that she's gone out of the country, and I find it to be a big deal. I want to see what she thinks of this whole journey idea. I think that deep down inside, she's always known I would end up in London some how.

Tomorrow, I begin on my personal statement for ISA. This semester in London is going to happen, but in order for it too, I have to start working on getting the money now. Tomorrow I begin my first draft of my Freedom From Religion Foundation youth college essay. Every cent I can get counts.

Bonne nuit, mes aimes. Je t'aime. Au revoir.