Sitting on my couch, with my dog Tazz, listening to The Rachel Maddow Show, and thinking about study abroad, jobs, and my need for money, a thought came to me. While this thought had popped up in my mind before, I decided that it was worth a shot. A single question drifted across my mind: What if attending school in London, at King's College, would be cheaper than studying abroad through a program?
It's not a hard question to begin to research. Looking at what I think the study abroad program will cost ($45-50, 000) to what King's College London says that their overseas students will pay (tuition alone) is £12, 500 or $19,496.856. While I realize that this is tuition alone, I am able to get FA from this school! Something I can't get from any public universities in the US. Yes, I could got to a private school, but with my sister starting at a private school as well, and the idea that I could pay the same amount I would at a private school in the USA, BUT BE IN ENGLAND really pushes me to try this pathway.
Instead of going through a study abroad program, I am going to apply to King's College. I am going to finish my two year A.A. degree, and transfer. I'm going to put this whole photography program on hold, for a moment, and focus on getting a real degree. Then, from there, going to Art School, and graduate school.
I consider this a smart move; it gives me more time to improve myself as a student after the disasters that were last semester, and collect money for school. It allows me to be around for my sister's 18th birthday, senior prom, and graduation. It allows me to be here and take care of my family for one more year; to take care of my sister for just a little longer, before letting them all go at the same time, with my family in a sturdy, safe, place.
I do think that I might try to go to London over spring break, depending on if I get into King's College, which, honestly, I'm hoping I will. I'm praying I will.
I have cleaned my life out so much recently. I've been coming to terms with who I am, what I've done, and what's happened to me, and I really, really hope that I can use all of this work, all of this knowledge to go to London, and start the life I've dreamed of having since I was young. I never wanted to go to school in the USA. I settled for the USA because it became clear there was no way I could go to London, and go to school. I let my life defeat me. I won't let it do it again.
There is a lot of things that I've given up on, that I don't understand why I have. For example, my greatest dream when I was 15 was to be published by 16 or 18. I'm here, at 19 with two or three books written, and ideas for novels coming to me daily. But with no ability to write, to structure all of the sentences that buzz within my worn finger tips. I'm really going to try and get published; obviously, it will help me with money for school, but it will also set me up for the fulfillment of future dreams.
Dreams. The Future. Plans. These are all goals that I wish to work towards. Shedding this old, diseased girl to emerge a healthy woman. I will spend my time become more me, and letting others become more themselves. My plan for the summer is to train myself in "Loving Rachel" regimes.
I've said my peace to many, the results were expected. Without the added stress of feeling completely disrespected and under appreciated, I'm super happy. Honestly, I don't know if it was finally expressing those feelings that made me feel better, or my brother saying "That's so fucking retarded/stupid." He means so much to me. Sometimes I forget how much.
This understanding of who means a lot to me keeps coming in waves; Daniel, Jaimie, Kory, Morgane, and Savvy. Sometimes I'll just see a picture, or listen to them talk and it hits me: I would not be able to move forward without these people. It's insane, and intense. Obviously, there are people that I miss, but the ball is not in my court anymore, and for once, I'm not going to go out of my way to make it in my court.
All and all I've been making a lot of decisions lately. Whether they are the "correct" ones will remain unseen, but I'm happy with them. And that, in the end, is what should matter.
Mon couer adore la belle Sasha. Un ans et je regarde mon couer parce que je t'aime. Un ans et je t'aime toujours. Mais seulement peut-être.
